Wednesday, April 27, 2011

It's my blog I can cry if I want to!

My mind has been in deep thought lately and I am finding it hard to bring myself out of it.  There is one word that keeps coming to mind, content.  I am finding it nearly impossible to be content.  Not with money or things, those kind of things mean very little to me and would give it all away if it were for the good of my family and others.  I could live in a shoe box house and be fine.  It would take some adjusting but I would be fine.  I have been blessed and am happy with what I have.  I am happy with the husband God gave me, the children he blessed us with, the home we own and the life we live.  Those things are not or are ever in question.  I live a good life and enjoy it to the fullest.

The contentment that I struggle with comes from a very different place.  It involves where we have been placed and the people that are in our lives.  Not only the family(extented) that we were given but the friends that have been in our lives.  I probably spend too much time in my life wondering and contemplating the state of these relationships considering the other parties seem to care less.  See things don't matter to me but people that is a different matter.  I love people, I love to be with people I love to have people in our lives.  Now the people that matter most is my husband and children they are a constant and loving relationship that I value beyond measure.  I feel they are first and foremost in my heart, mind and life, so nothing or no relationship can put those relationships in jeopardy or it will quickly be dismissed.

My first issue of contentment is with family.  These are the people in our lives that we have not choosen.  The ones that God gave us.  We live 3 1/2 hours from our nearest relative so involvement in our lives I guess you can say is limited.  If for no other reason simple distance is the cause.  But with the technology today involvement can take on many different forms.  It could be traveling to be phyiscally present or phone conversations to be involved in the happenings, or facebook to communicate or even skyping.  The options seem limitless on the ways one can be "present" in anothers life.  But it seems that those avenues are rarely utilized and for the most part the occassional monthly or every other month few minute phone call is the extent of involvement.  And with most family members not even that is the case.  The once or twice a year visit is all that exists in the relationship.  I can tell you from the family members perspective that is far away this can be tough to deal with.  You see your children growing up and grandparents seemingly content missing almost the entire process.  Aunts and Uncles that the children don't recognize for lack of involvement.  Cousins that just don't know each other.  In all of this I feel like the odd ball because it seems I am the only one who even gives a rats ass about the situation and lack of relationship.  So for the most part I keep quiet.  I have approached the subject on a few occassions but with little to no acknowledgement or change.  So I attempt to keep in touch but often find myself sucking back from the relationship with the mindset that "if they don't care, then why do I?".  I mean if you are the one always putting in the effort in, any relationship can be tiring and hurtful and I have found I could only sustain that type of relationship for a certain amount of time.  So if I were asked to define most of the relationships between my family and our other family members it would be, distant, uninvolved and hurtful.  Maybe the yearly Christmas letter is enough involvement for them?  It is like they want to veiw our lives from the outside but have no desire to be a part of it.  Then I find myself becoming defensive of our life and feel if you don't want to be involved then why should you get know what goes on in it?  I feel like they enjoy hearing and knowing of us like we are in a fish bowl.  People to be entertained by but not a part of.  This situation at times I have become accustumed too and just cope with it and at others it tears at my heart and I yearn for grandparents to really know my children and interact with them more than the occasional token visit.  For ones that though they may not be present on a daily basis but still find a way to show they care.  I wish that it couldn't be months that go by without as much as a phone call or card or anything.  That they actually had an ongoing relationship with their grandchildren.  Maybe I am asking for too much and I probably am I just have a hard time imagining someday not really knowing or even caring about my children and what goes on in thier lives.  The whole situation just breaks my heart.  I think it is made worse by the fact that I see how the same grandparents interact with other grandchildren.  Knowing that Grandma always makes cupcakes for one to take to her class on her birthday and that another is taking their grandchild to a museum because they just want to see their face as they see the dinasour exhibit.  Why cannot I not just be content without those things?  Why do I wish those same grandparents wanted to see my childrens faces as they light up with excitement or comfort them when they are sad?  Maybe they do care but it is hard to know someone cares when they really have very little to do with your life.  I need to learn to be content without those things and know that we will make it and our kids will be happy, healthy adults without those things/people but sometimes it is easier said than done to just let it go.

Then their is friendships or a connection with where we are and maybe the two things combined is what makes it all the more hard.  When we moved here over 6 years ago we didn't know a soul and it was tough.  We had no one.  We were in a new area with a toddler, a baby on the way, in new house and a new job. All hard things to deal with and adjust to and it was all at one time.  We struggled and went through some of the hardest time in our lives getting through it.  But really that was to be expected.  It is almost like we had a good excuse to why we were struggling.  But now 6 years later we have made "friends" we have attempted to get involved and connected to those people, groups and the area.  But is seems that almost everyone in our lives have come in and left.  We(my husband and I) can say we feel no more connected to where we are than we were 6 years ago.  Maybe we are not the only ones who struggle with this but it feels like we are.  It seems everyone has their family or life long friends that are in their lives and they know will always be there.  I have two people out of everyone in our lives that I know if I called them day or night they would be there to help in any way possible.  I am grateful for those two people and am glad they are a part of our lives but sometimes it hard to not feel guilt about always having to call on those two people.  That those two people are the only ones you can depend on.  To me it seems like a big burden to place on just two people.  But there have been many people that I thought would always be a part of our lives that have for some reason just "disappeared" from it.  I mean they are still there but not in our lives.  The kind of "friends" that you considered to be more like family.  That you invited to kids birthday parties and family gatherings.  Then you stop recieving invites to their birthday parties and gatherings and I soon get the hint that we will be taking on a new place in thier lives.  Maybe it was something I did or something about me that drives people away but I would think that if our realationship was important that I would at least be given chance to make things right.  But that was not the case and pretty much distance was put between us.  Not the physical distance that seems to be the challange with family because we live very close in proximity but emotional distance with little to no involvement.  I have way too many friendships that have happened this way and they can go back all the way to my best friend when I was 19 years old.  You know the kind of friend that you are inseperable.  Then one day you realize they are putting you at a distance.  I go to her to try to see if I had done something or if we could make things right and after the conversation you realize that anything I do will not change the fact that they just don't want you in thier life anymore.  Ouch it hurts and it took me years to get passed that relationship but I have seen it happen over and over again and I have to wonder if I am the common denominator in each relationship?  I don't know but I do know that I never stop caring and I would  be willing to fix the broken relationship but often are not given that chance and the relationship fades to the type that if you happen to bump into eachother at the grocery store you are kind and ask how the family is and then you part ways.  Sad.

Then on a little lighter side it feels like the area we live in is a black hole.  If you meet anyone when you first move here the conversation goes like this, "are you from here?", "no we just moved here".  The response is always the same, "WHY???".  Whether they are people who were born and raised here or are transplants themselves they all say the same thing.  Surely that is not a good sign.  Now I can see what they mean.  The area really has nothing to offer.  The landscape is terribly boring completely flat and all farm land.  The statistic are depressing with the highest droppout rate, teen pregnancy and divorce rates in the state.  The economy is just sad.  No jobs, poverty and poor school systems.  There is just not much to speak of at all.  And you are hard pressed to find an upside.  To make matters worse we moved here for my husbands job which since has changed and now he doesn't even work in the state.  His sales territory starts about 40 miles from here and goes about 150 miles out from there.  I find myself asking daily why we live here and I cannot come up with a good answer.  It is pretty much that picking up and moving doesn't seem easier of the two options with projects in the house needing finished and the housing market the way it is.  We would also need to move farther away from family but really I don't think that is going to make a difference considering how involved they are at this distance.  I mean could it really get worse??

I want to be content with those relationships or I want to be given the chance to make them right or maybe I just want someone else to care.  I don't know but I do know that I wish I had peace about all of it.  Sometimes I want to just start over.  Leave where we are and start again.  If only that was the easy way out!

4 comments:

  1. Wow, you sounds just like me! I'm shocked to read all of my own thoughts in this post. I feel the same way about family and friends.

    Growing up I had very little contact with any of my family because they lived in a different state. When my grandparents came to live with us they were virtual strangers to me. Of course I love them now that I know who they are lol, but it was very awkward. The only benefit is that when I hear bad news about distant family I feel bad for them, but only in a stranger kind of way, not in a heartbroken kind of way.

    Friends on the other hand that I get to know really well I get very attached to. My first really best friend treated me very cruelly and then convinced my twin sister to abandon our family and move away. At this point I could care less about the friend, but I'm still heartbroken over my twin sister. I have grieved for her as though she died. She's angry with me, but would never tell me why or give me a chance to make things better. It has changed the person I am today. It makes it really hard to get too close to people. However my mom believes friends aren't worth the trouble and that they will eventually stab you in the back or abandon you . . . that breaks my heart. I don't want to be that way so I keep trying even though it feels like I put a hundred percent into a relationship that seems trivial to them. It hurts to feel like you care more than they do, but I can't let myself give up on humankind like my mom has.

    Long distance relationships are very difficult. Even between family and friends. I live in a city with a big college in it so it feels like everyone I meet is graduating and leaving me. Nothing feels permanent, but I feel stuck while they are moving on.

    Anyway I don't know if I'm making sense, but the gist of it is I do understand and I'm sorry you're going through the same thing.

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  2. oh Amy. Is it funny that I feel EXACTLY the same way. you said all of it so well. You are not content because you give so much, and because you give so much you hope for at least that much in return. A phone call, A visit. Sincerity and genuine love. I experience this with my family, with Miguels family. So called "friends".All of it. Wish I could be your 3rd person :) You are an amazing person with a wonderful family. I see that in your photo's your posts. Others just don't know what they're missing out on. Hugs.

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  3. you are invited to follow my blog

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  4. Amy--just wandered over here from your other blog.

    The only relative I have that lives close is my grandpa. Next closest is 6 hours away, and after that.... I don't know. I have relatives on the other side of the world. Some I stay in contact with via the internet, but most of them I've just given up. The distance is too great and we just never connected. Now that I'm married, some of my inlaws are closer, but that's a mixed blessing for someone who's not even used to having family around.

    I'm sorry you're going through this. It's tough. My husband and I have similar experiences. Just as soon as we make friends, they seem to move away to the next phase of their life. It's discouraging. I do try to stay connected to my best friend and we visit back and forth as finances allow, but again, she's an airplane flight away and neither of us is rich.

    I can't make it better, but I can say you're not alone.

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