Monday, October 18, 2010

Missing the point.

I have been consumed with thoughts of moving/not moving.  If Ryan gets this job or if he does not and what it will mean to me and my family either way.  I have been full of fear, fear of the unknown.  What will happen if we do move, what will happen if we don't.  We have been stuggling financially the past few months and I wonder what will happen if we don't get this promotion.  Then there are all the details that all of it entails.  Houses selling/buying, moving, animals, money, kids our relationship and the toll that relocating has had on it in the past.  All of these things have consumed my mind and my heart.  To the point that it has become paralyzing to me.  I felt I couldn't move forward and that I was stuck in limbo.  I am a all or nothing kind of person.  I always have to be moving in one direction or another, there is not a stagnent bone in my body.  So waiting on someone else to make life changing decisions for my life is not my cup of tea.

I have asked God what the point of all this waiting and termoil has.  I was wondering that maybe the point is patience.  I do lack a serious amount of patience so it wouldn't surprise me but it just didn't seem like the right answer.  None of it was making any sense.  Though I know in my heart of hearts that everything that happens in my life has a purpose and that God has my best interest at heart.  So though I did fear the unknown I did not fear that I would be taken care of either way.  But I could not move past all of this and put it out of mind until I got my answer.  Like I said I was paralyzed.  I couldn't bring myself to do anything except the absolute neccessary.

Sunday morning standing in church I got my answer to my burning question "what is the point of all of this?".  We were singing and could not tell you what the song was, the song is not what spoke to me.  I think God finally had me in a place that I was quiet enough, still enough to hear His voice.  It wasn't the preaching, it wasn't the music, it was just me and God alone in a room full of people and noise all around but my heart was still and that is what He needed to get me to hear Him.  So you may wonder what He said to me, it was,  "Amy you are missing the point".  Was the voice audible?  Of course not but that made it no less real.  He spoke loud and clear and it was right to my heart and soul.  "You are missing the point".  As tears started rolling down my face, my heart and mind were being set free.  Free from self consumed worry and fear.  Freedom that can only come straight from God Himself.

So what is the point?  The point is, none of it matters.  Where I live, what house I am in, if I even have a house, how much money we have, it doesn't matter.  That does go against the grain of everything that we are taught.  I think that is the point.  "Not my will but thine be done",  "put not your trust in man", "the heart of man is decietfully wicked, who can know it" "trust in God with all thine, heart, soul and mind".  The lesson wasn't in pateince though this lesson brings patience.  The lesson is. no matter where I am, what I am doing, what State I live in, the point is, the entire point of my exsistence on this earth is not measured in what I own, what I accomplish, where I go, it is the whole reason I am even on this earth the point is to: worship my Creator and Saviour.  None of the other stuff really matters.  I can love Him, praise Him, worship Him and honor Him with my heart, soul and mind.  As long as I have breath on this earth the point is to worship my Saviour.  Nothing else matters.

I got the point the releif came.  God is good!!

Monday, October 4, 2010


I feel like I have been placed into the pressure canner to cook and 100 lbs of pressure for 3 weeks.  Longer than something should typically be processed.  Well you know there is only one thing that can happen when under this kind of pressure?  At some point you explode.  Unfortunately for my dear husbands sake he got the brunt of the pressure released on him yesterday.  He has since forgiven me for my outburst and we are fine.  It seems your life at times builds to those moments and for some reason or another you don't handle it the way it should have been and the pressure starts to build.

I won't even go into the things that caused all of this pressure because well it doesn't really matter.  The main part of all of it is that one person can only do so much.  I need to realize this and stop trying to do it all.  Then I need to come to grips with the fact that it is OK not to.  It all started making more sense after irrationally taking out my frustrations on someone.  The words coming out of my mouth I was needing to say.  I just needed to be saying them to myself not someone else.

The pressure as been released and decompression begun.  This week will be dedicated to simplifying my life.  Slowing down and take care of the important things, my husband, my children, and the things that make them happy and healthy.  After all God has told me that is my place.  That is His will for me for this time in my life and where my focus is supposed to be.  All the other stuff is just that, stuff. Not necessarily good or bad just not my priority.

So that is what the next few weeks will be for me, decopressing.  Learning again to simplify my life.  Laugh more, stress less and embrace these amazing people God has put in my life.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Patience is a virtue.

One that I greatly struggle to obtain.  So to update you on my "in limbo" post.  The very basics are that an opportunity has presented itself within my husbands company.  One that if it works out will require us to move.  Most likely to a new state.  The good part is that the move would bring us closer to family.  That would be a huge blessing in our lives.  Now I am going to go all nostalgic on you so you may want to stop reading about now.

6 years ago this month actually is when we moved into this house.  We moved from northern Indiana.  We lived within 20 minutes of almost my entire family.  We had a babysitters, family get togethers and a great support system.  My husbands job brought us about 3 1/2 hours south east.  It could have been much worse.  At least we were in easy driving distance but still far enough away to make visits quite far apart.  Especially once we started accumulating animals.  It makes it very hard to just pick up and go when you have all of these animal babies to care for.  We were excited about the prospect of moving to a new place and starting a new life in a new place.  That ideal quickly came to an end after just a short time here.  We kind of realized how good we had it.  We had no one in our new town.  We had never even visited here before we made the move.  It took a LOOOONG time to build a new support system of friends.  I mean it took years.  It was very hard on us as a young married couple having a baby about every year and a half.  In a new place with a bunch of babies and no help.  We spent about the first two years trying to move back.  Then we got through  the toughest part and really started to stand on our own two feet. 

A few years into it we started growing roots so to speak and grow where we were planted.  We grew physically as a family, we also grew emotionally as a family.  There is something about not having anyone else to depend on that makes you either split or depend on each other.  Thank God we chose the later.  We started making our life what we wanted it to be.  Growing our little hobby farm and living our dream.  We are truely content and happy with where our life is.

Then this prospect has presented itself and we really had to figure out what was best for us.  We are a family unit and that is what is the most important thing to us now.  Honestly the idea of living closer to family and friends kind of scared me at first.  When I lived there before I was a different person and I need to remember that.  It was only 6 years ago but the changes that have taken place in the last 6 years in me, my relationship with my husband and our family are amazing.  They have been wonderful changes.  I do feel it will be a great thing.  As long as we can continue to stay close the way we are now and grow together we will be just fine.  No matter where we live or who we live near it will all be okay.

We should know more details by the middle of next week.  I will keep you updated as I know the details. 


Today was opening day for our pumpkin patch.  Sad to say it was a flop, ahhhh, deep breath.  It is hard, it is hard to put forth an effort, put your heart out there trying to fullfill  a little dream and fail.  I cannot look at it as a complete failure.  I still have 4 weekends left to make a go of it but it is not a good start.  It was an awful day as far as weather.  It has rained here 2 times in the last 3 months and today of all the days it rained.  The high was 60 and the drizzle that started in the morning has not completely come to an end yet. I have to look past this and just move on otherwise I will drive myself crazy.  It is heartbreaking. 

No one showed.  Well I shouldn't say no one I had two friends that came by to show some support and help.  This makes my heart happy and I am grateful for these friends.  Literally rain or shine they were there for me and that means the world to me.  But no other customers showed up.  We were all set up and ready to go in the morning but we gave in and came in once the rain really started to come down. 

It is what it is and there is nothing I can do.  It does not help that I could be at the world equestrian games right now and I had to torcher myself by looking at the weather in Lexinton and it is beautiful.  God knows and I just have to remember that and not get too consumed with disappointment.  He is in control.